It's an interesting experience, dreaming something up, planning out it's every detail, executing on your plan. Some people think that planning is the hard part, but for me, that's just not the case. Meticulous planning comes easy, it's non-confrontational, non-committal. It's somewhere in the execution that usually gets me.
At first glance my little adventure seems like an at excercise in futility, my own means of trying to prove to myself that I am who I was. While the idea that A Magical Journey Through The Woods would provide me with something years of doctors, medications, self help and other experiences hadn't was farcical, below the surface it contained disheartening qualities as well.
All is not lost. Learning and growing has occurred, just not in the way one might expect. While my knowledge of hiking and the outdoors increased, clarity about myself and perhaps what I would like to do with my life, where I would like to go, and a bit of focus for when I return home has also begun to emerge.
But even now I have nostalgia. Those same fits of fancy that made me want to hike in the first place are still there, yet I realize that they are perhaps the dreams and whiles of a younger me. My mind and body are not suited to such a life anymore.
Most importantly, I love my wife. Now that we're retired and finally have the time to give her the attention she deserves, it is absolutely appropriate to do so. To willingly separate from each other, when I know she's one of the things I need most...it's not about being responsible, it's about making good, healthy choices and coming to terms with what is important, what I actually need in my life.
You can't ignore/run/hide from things forever, and being on the trail, even for one more day feels a lot like putting things off for just a little bit longer. There's healing to be had out here on the trail, but at what expense? For now I'm heading home, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Thank you everyone for the continued support.