Date: 16 Aug 2017 0929PM
Today's Miles: 18
Total Miles: 725.1
Rough day today. Woke up pretty late, out of camp around 0830. Felt off, like that feeling you get when you're coming down with a cold but haven't experienced any other symptoms yet - sluggish, achy, sickly.
Managed about ten miles before I had to call it quits. I felt completely drained of energy. I had to stop frequently on the smallest of hills, and even sat down a few times throughout the morning to catch my breath.
Found an nice lake with some secluded beachfront property, setup my tent, did some quick laundry in the water and crawled inside. Ate as much lunch as I could manage and passed out for a couple of hours.
Woke up around 1700 and decided to pack up and hike a few more miles. An older gentleman who is sectioning Oregon cruised up eyeing around for a spot for his tent. I offered him mine since I was leaving, and chatted as I packed up. He's heading north so I told him what I knew about the fires and alternate hiking paths, and he shared some tidbits about a few places south of here, free beer, good hostels, etc.
Hiked another eight miles before darkness fell. Was trying to make it to another lake but ended up a mile or two short. Night hiking isn't nearly as enjoyable in the woods as lying in your tent listening to all the crickets and bugs is.
Physical exhaustion aside, I feel awful right now. The past few days I have been absolutely depressed out of my mind. I can't help but feel that all of my usual tricks to, well, keep from killing myself, just aren't up to it anymore. It feels that no matter what I do I'm still just waiting until the inevitable happens.
Unless you've experienced something like this it is pretty difficult to explain. I truly appreciate the people in my life who are supportive, my wife especially is learning specifically what to say to me when I'm like this to be both supportive and realistic with me, but even still it feels like being consoled while you're on your death bed.
It's all I can do right now to put one foot in front of the other. I see the beauty around me, and while it helps, the positive sensations are merely keeping the negative at bay - but without it I wouldn't be alive.